PTI-PAT revolutions

Good Lord. There are so many revolutions happening in this country and all in the month of December. Talk about pressure.

I mean give us a break people. Weren’t we confused enough already that you had to confuse us with so many revolutionary choices and that too on such a short notice? How are we supposed to think revolutionary thoughts if it’s so cold outside and there are so many of you?

On the one hand there is Imran Khan’s mehngai revolution happening today. Experience tells me that it’s bound to be the most colourful revolution of all, and a must-attend event of the year. Which reminds me, why am I sitting at home and not going to it? Well, don’t ask. It’s because nobody has invited me.

Perfect excuse to act like a ticked off relative, and sit at home sulking. I mean what is wrong with these PTI walas. Can’t they distinguish between friend and foe? Here I am, their biggest supporter in the English print media, living here in Lahore right under their noses and not even a single invitation so far. I think either they are getting too smug or they have sent all their invitations to those who make fun of them. Or maybe they have a thing against pretty young ladies with a high admiration quotient for their deficient ways?

But who cares. I am going to get back at them and go to Sheikh Rasheed’s revolution instead. Serves them right, right?

The only problem is that Sheikh Rasheed’s revolution is taking a long time coming. Ever since I was born I have been hearing about Sheikh Rasheed’s futuristic ideas. And here I am getting middle aged and all, yet no sign of anything remotely revolutionary coming from that direction.

I think the safest bet in this scenario is to leave everything and go to the TUQ revolution. Because coming very soon in the theatres near you, is the TUQ revolution once again. And this time ladies and gentlemen it promises to be bigger and better and… hold your breath…. green in colour!!

Yes! According to Dr Tahirul Qadri’s Twitter account his revolution has a colour, and if you don’t believe me, then read it yourself: “InshaAllah my struggle and efforts will result in the achievement of green revolution”, says he.

Now those of you who always thought that green revolutions had something to do with organic farming and brown paper bags, please think again. Sometimes green revolutions are also about Canadian winters and Pakistani gullibility. When winters get snowy and all sorts of aches and pains set home in somebody’s ageing bones, it’s time to come home, and call it a revolution. Yet, the idea works and people like it. Hence next time I meet Imran Khan I am going to ask him this:

So what colour is your revolution, hain jee?

I think both PTI and Sheikh Rasheed should give it up already. TUQ’s PAT is winning the race. Look at how he sells his ideas. Just notice the profoundness in the following tweet:

“There is only one solution that can remove the misery from Pakistan and that is a revolution.”

Period.

Well, all those who thought bringing Justin Bieber to the Karachi airport could remove the misery from Pakistan, please experience the paradigm shift and give in. It’s not Justin Beiber, it’s not YouTube, and it’s not even the water car. It’s TUQ for change. And he has a revolution and it’s green. And it’s also tapping onto the never before tapped markets. Fake democracy, Article 38 of the constitution, and the potential suiciders.

“Instead of committing suicide and ending your lives with a haram death, give yourself a shahadat instead”, tweets the man. Talk about changing perspective.

Now I could write one more paragraph on the ethical issues regarding this particular subject, but I know my editors. They are not going to like it (One more score I will settle once the revolution comes, you’ll see).

What I like the best about the TUQ revolution is that it always has a slogan. First it was ‘Syasat nahin reyasat bachao’ (save the state not politics), and now it is ‘Fake democracy, corrupt system, TuQ4change and revolution’. Cool, isn’t it?

Just one piece of advice to TUQ’s media team though. God has bestowed your leader with such distinguished good looks, and such an unmatched skill for oratory, so why is it that you have made him a poster boy for the rickshaws?

Look at your competition dudes, and ace your game please. Your competition is equally handsome, is working on his oratory, but he doesn’t model for rickshaws. Instead he roams around in those unbelievably cool dark glasses, flexing his sportsman’s muscles, getting threatened by the Taliban, giving tough looks to Kamran Shahid, and feeding polio drops to small babies. That’s what we call image building.

Now look at what you are doing to yourselves. Pictures on rickshaws and Mr Goldsmith writing emails to the columnists.

But before I lose my readers, Mr Goldsmith somebody is a goldsmith by profession and is TUQ’s invisible front man and writes emails to columnists in the planning stage of the green revolution. He first started writing to me last year, in the pre-planning stage of the container phase.

Frankly I never took him seriously, but now that I see a very carefully planned marketing strategy behind this, I am all ears for what Mr Goldsmith has to say.

And forgive me PTI for growing a soft corner in my heart for Mr TUQ. But your captain should see the good in this. Good team-building is all about fighting a mutual adversary. So far you have only dealt with animosity and underhanded tactics. Now it’s time you had some competition. So let’s see who brings a better revolution – PTI or PAT?

The writer is a graduate student at the University of Oxford.

Email: adiahafraz@gmail.com